I try not to watch too much TV…but I did binge-watch Netflix’s latest reality show Tidying Up starring Marie Kondo as the downsizing guru. The show is based on her book of a similar name, The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up, which spent nearly 28 weeks on the New York Times’ Bestseller List.
It’s your typical transformation show: person has a problem (clutter, disorganization, or both), Kondo comes in and explains her KonMari method for downsizing, and, viola, before & after shots show transformed spaces and happier people.
Things can get surprisingly emotional for the downsizers-to-be. In Episode 4, Margie, an empty-nester, is looking for help to downsize her ‘stuff.’ It ends up being a cathartic journey for Margie who, up to that point, hadn’t yet gone through Mark’s (her late husband’s) belongings, let alone her adult childrens’ bedrooms.
Despite her tough talk at the beginning of the episode, Margie admits going through Mark’s things was harder than she thought. Certain shirts and books of Mark’s reminded Margie of special events they attended together and vacations they took before Mark got sick, and Margie breaks down in tears more than once.
Margie’s struggle with downsizing is not unfamiliar. We often assign meaning to the inanimate objects around us. Clothing, jewelry, art work, books, even dishware, become more than just items with a purpose: they have a set of memories attached.
It can often feel like getting rid of things during the downsizing process means losing the memories attached to them. What can make it worse sometimes is having to put these items in the trash. Last I checked, Goodwill doesn’t take kindergarten macaroni masterpieces.
The First Downsizing Experience
The first time I really became aware of how much stuff people can accumulate was in the summer of 2010. My Dad, mother, and aunts and uncles teamed up to clean out Great Aunt Mary’s home in rural Iowa. Nana (NAY-nay), as she was affectionately known, had a LOT of stuff packed into her tiny two-bedroom home.
The downsizing left my parents, aunts, and uncles exhausted as they separated junk from heirlooms, and decoded letters and photo albums. At the time I didn’t have to make decisions regarding items, but I sympathized with the decision makers as they then had to parse the remaining belongings among themselves.
A few years later, there was another downsizing gathering, this time in Rochester, at Gig’s (grandma’s) home. It followed fairly closely to what happened at Nana’s, but this time, the home-owner was present, arguably making things more difficult.
Impetuses (impeti?) for Downsizing
There seem to be two main reasons for downsizing, either:
- A person is moving (often to a smaller space)
- A person has reached a clutter breaking point
Once again, it was reason number 1.
Gig was set to move into an assisted living apartment nearby – a studio in fact. The contents of the three-bedroom home she had been living in for 50+ years could not go with her.
Neither Gig nor Nana were hoarders by any means, but there still seemed to be an exorbitant amount of stuff.
The main difference this time? Gig was present for some of the cleaning-out.
Perched on a kitchen chair in the middle of her living room, her children and some grandchildren peppered her with questions. Pictures, toys, journals, letters, clothing, cups, bowls, gardening gear – were these of significance or no?
Already a bit self-conscious about her memory loss, it must have been hard for her to admit she didn’t know the answers to many of the questions fired at her, though they were always asked in the kindest way possible.
She was only there for a few hours at a time and it was easy to see the emotional toll it took on her. Frustration that she couldn’t remember where/who things were from, and the looming knowledge that her hard-earned days of independence, like her belongings, were dwindling.
Stuff We Learned
After both of these experiences, my Dad, already the king of throwing things out, vowed to never accumulate stuff the way his Aunt Mary and mother had.
He had gone through over a thousand printed pictures, and made a solemn oath to never again print out a picture if it didn’t have a person in it.
I had to agree that images of wedding reception venues and beaches of Lake Superior were infinitely more interesting with the 20-year-old Gig and Pa (grandma & grandpa) in them.
The way in which we downsized Nana and Gig’s homes seems chaotic in contrast to the KonMari method in Tidying Up.
Kondo makes it seem so easy, simplifying the downsizing process into five steps, or “lessons.” The first step is clothing. The second, books; followed by papers third. (You know you have a stack of ‘go through later’ papers.)
Fourth is what Marie calls “Kimono” which basically means everything else: kitchen, basement, attic, guest room, garage, hall closets. It seems easiest to go through room by room for “Lesson 4” but there isn’t too much guidance given.
What seems to set the KonMari method apart is placing sentimental items last, as the fifth lesson.
The idea is that after going through belongs you’re more detached too, you’ll really have a good sense of what items in the sentimental pile you really treasure.
The problem at Nana and Gig’s houses was that sentimental items were popping up all the time.
And most of the downsize-crew wanted to have a say in those items.
Sic’ing different family members to different rooms of the house, maybe wasn’t the best strategy in this case.
Isn’t this the part of the blog post where you offer solutions?
The short answer is: yes.
The long answer is: I’m new to this blogging thing. And I’m reserving “solutions” for next week – stay tuned 😉